- This topic has 7 voices and 7 replies.
- September 19, 2012 at 5:16 pm #344102
Anonymous[size=12pt]My Near Death Experience(s) in the Balkans[/size]
I’ve almost completed my trip, and I thought I should say a few words. I’ve spent my amazing vacation walking along the beautiful streets of Zagreb, drinking Turkish coffee out of copper dzezvas in the charming old town of Sarajevo, and visiting beloved relatives in Dalj. Everything was amazing. The most amazing thing, however, was the incredible acts of kindness that I experienced by people from the Balkans, which, yes– saved my life.
What am I talking about, you ask? I am talking about the commendable, heroic acts; the selfless good deeds that ensured my safety. But it was not the dangerous roads with crazy drivers that I needed protection from, nor was it the land-mines that still remain in my grandfather’s backyard, the creepy cold train-ride through Republika Srpska that I was forced to take overnight by myself. It was much more serious.
It is my duty to inform the world that there is a dangerous epidemic going around. Apparently, I almost died many times over, and countless victims remain. It’s a condition that is specific to the Balkans; nobody else has ever heard of it. Although research is still being done, I’ve gathered that it develops when a deceiving light breeze of air has evil intentions. It’s called “propuh” (promaja), and it tried to kill me. But my soul was spared with the help of the people; and for that, I’d like to say thank you.
Thank you to the taxi driver,
Who insisted on only letting me open one of the windows of the scorching hot taxi, and asserted that I open it no more than a mere 3 inches. I assumed that, given the summer-like temperature and the beaming sunlight, it would be reasonable to want to open the windows of the non air-conditioned cab. I didn’t think propuh would stand a chance of victory on such a warm spring day. But I was wrong. Propuh can sense when we’re most likely to open windows, and then it strikes.
Thank you to the waiter,
Who firmly instructed (i.e. yelled at) me to put on my scarf after I sneezed, once. What was I thinking? I was sitting outside, risking propuh as I foolishly attempted to tan while I read my book without a scarf. I always read outside in Vancouver, and nobody ever told me about such risks. I knew those money-hungry liars were conspiring with the pharmaceutical industry. Propuh targets any exposed throat, so go scarfless at your own discretion– but don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Thank you to my aunt,
Who covered me with a second blanket while I slept in a temperature-controlled room. I had no idea that preventative measures (apart from avoiding the causes) were also required to ensure that one doesn’t get propuh. Apparently, propuh is prevented when you wake up sweating because you’re uncomfortably suffocating under two heavy blankets. Vitamins shmitamins. Invest in a duvet.
And finally, thank you to the lady from the hotel,
Who shoo-ed me back to my room when I came outside to have a cigarette in my slippers. Not only does propuh target the throat, but it targets those without socks. This is perhaps the most dangerous type of propuh, because this particular propuh makes you barren. Again, they’ve been lying to us back home; it’s not smoking that’s bad for your reproductive system, it’s the fact that you’re semi-barefoot when you sit outside on your patio for those seven minutes. Propuh causes reproductive problems– my remaining fertility confirmed it.
This condition is devastating; not only because it comes in many different forms, but because its symptoms and treatments are still unknown. What is it, exactly? Nobody wants to say, because clearly it’s so bad that it’s unspeakable. All I’ve gathered is that it presents itself in the slightest puff of air, targeting essentially any body part that is uncovered. When it has the opportunity, it makes you sneeze, and then you die.
I dedicate this blog to all the victims of propuh (promaja).September 19, 2012 at 6:30 pm #396858
AnonymousQuote:September 19, 2012 at 6:36 pm #396859
Take it up with the Macedonian that showed me article :
Btw. What do you call a slippery Macedonian? LubeSeptember 22, 2012 at 11:48 pm #396860
Čuvaj se, promaja je tihi ubica. To su i kromanjonci znaliSeptember 24, 2012 at 11:16 pm #396861
Remember to dry your hair.
Otherwise promaja will kill youSeptember 25, 2012 at 3:35 pm #396862
My goodness! 😮
Anyway, prepih je kurba, ja…November 11, 2013 at 6:14 pm #396863
like having Baka and Russian friend in same car; both whine about promaja during entire ride.November 11, 2013 at 11:13 pm #396864
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