in

Guide: Understanding Slav nationalist types and their internet behavior

21.st century cultural anthropology of internet Slavs

Photo: Internet meme factory

Internet is a tough place to be, while you are bravely wondering its wide bytes and pixels you are bound to get in trouble. Most of the time you will somehow get into a rampaging internet battles between Slav nations (just check Slavorum’s Facebook comments), and you will get drawn into the fight no matter how much you try to resist it.

In order to successfully survive these battles we prepared a guide on various Slavic nationalistic characters you will cross your internet swords with, sooner or later.

Slavs in a nuttshell

This is a true modern cultural anthropology with topic of internet Slavs from 21.st century. What you will learn here is their internet rhetoric, ideology, behaviors, their looks and their strong and weak points.

Bulgaria

Bio: Is very proud. – of Bulgarian heritage. Because of weird relations with Macedonia and Serbia he sometimes wishes not to be a Slav, but then he looks at his southern neighbor Turkey and suddenly starts to like his Slavic origins. Then again he remembers his Slav related history and doesn’t feels happy to be controller by uncle Stalin and Soviet Russia, so he just focuses on being anti-Macedonian because at this point it is the only thing that makes him feel good.

Macedonia

Bio: Is very proud – and stubborn, gets in a fight with Greece over the name Macedonia. He just doesn’t wants to lose a internet brawl with Greeks, so he erects Alexander statues, wears Alexander era costumes, claims Macedonian heritage. But in heart they know they’re Slavs, just has no intention to back down in front of Greeks no matter the price, if he needs to he will go even to a plastic surgeon and ask for Alexander the great looking face, just too prove he is the true Macedonian of Alexandria.

Poland

Bio: Is very proud. At first he gets pissed by Germans, then history makes him pissed of at Russians. During fighting Germans and Russians, there come American democrats and they piss him off too. Now suddenly Polska guy finds comfort in religion, but too liberal Pope pisses him off too. Then he realizes his new direction is a Slav Catholic identity but then again that also doesn’t has too much sense because Slovaks and Czechs are just neighbors, his real love is Hungary. So he just keeps from everybody at distance, doesn’t like to talk with strangers too much, but when he sees a Magyar it almost feels a bit gay from all the love and you realize he was liberal all time along.

Serbia

Bio: Is very proud. Can’t decide who to hate the most: Croats, Bosniaks, Albanians, Americans, Bulgarians, Turks or his own left-leaning countrymen. Blames Croats, Bosniaks, Bulgarians, Slovenians of not being Slavs, but claims Croats, Bosniaks, Bulgarians and Slovenians are different versions of Serbs, meaning either they are all Slavs or he himself isn’t a Slav too. When he drinks then suddenly all the planet is Serbian, even Russians. Continually feels betrayed by all and everybody but does little to make better relations with others in a long run. Has a dream to become some kind of South Slavic Russia, but he can’t be Russia, because Russians are Serbs and who the hell are then Slavs if everybody is Serbs? All this has no sense anymore, he is on his cool-down period until he clears his mind and constructs new ideology.

Slovenia

Bio: Is very proud – and super bitter because he knows he is better than Croats and Serbs, yet they always somehow overshadow him. He feels superior to them, almost feels superior like Germans and looks at Croats and Serbs as peasants, until they end up in a same state and the two again overshadow him. His houses grass is perfectly mowed, his fence has a perfect new color too, his house and neighborhood is peaceful and nice, all superior to his savage South Slav neighbors, but somehow he just can’t position himself as a dominant guy above them. In fact deep inside he is a good guy, even tho nationalistic he ends up always feeling Yugo-nostalgic about his two bros, until he again ends up with the mentioned duo and gets bitter again.

Czech Republic

Bio: Is not sure should he be proud or don’t care. Feels almost like a German, just like Slovenians, but somehow Germans don’t like him and always try to screw him over, so he is not sure if he should be friend with Slovaks again. He isn’t that proud of being Slav, he values nothing anymore, total nihilism and atheism, but then again them Slovaks where best friends he actually had all his life and his historical highlight was when he was center of Pan-Slavic congress in Prague, when he was the center of the Slavic world. Feeling kinda confused just decides to pop that Pilsner Urquell and decides not too care about anything for the night. He also has a thing for flags, so he hijacked Czecho-Slovak flag and Chilean flag is also too similar so he might annex that one too.

Croatia

Bio:  Is very proud. Loves his country, it’s the only sacred thing to him. Hates Yugoslavia and every mention of it, he tries to escape his ex-identity in every way possible. He absolutely loves everything Croatian, like Croatian language, which is a Slavic branch language but he will look over that fact, we said nothing ‘Slav’ related! He also loves history, but only from 91. towards today because further he looks into history he sees himself again twice in Yugoslavia, or he could find historical figures as first pan-slavist Juraj Križanić, or even a chapter about his archaeological remains across Ukraine and Poland. But no, he’s not Slavic because Serbs claim to be Slavic so he just can’t be Slavic as them, maybe Iranian, Gothic, Roman or whatever but not Slavic. *Flies away to Ireland*

Russia

Bio: Is very proud. He is not sure due to his nationalism should he be and act Slavic, because Ukrainians are Slavic too, and Poles….and Slovaks, Croats, Czechs and he is not sure what he feels about them. His babushka mentioned him they are all Slavs as people, but he read Rus were a germanic Viking tribe, so he leaves confused. His life made him a interesting mixture of a Russian nationalist and a Soviet Marxist, an living oxymoron. In the end he just realizes he is a nuclear power and he can be an oxymoron and doesn’t need to care about anything else or what others think. He hopes to become a superpower like USSR again and in that case he doesn’t wants to be too Slav, he has to leave some space for being Marxist again in order to easily subdue other both Slavic and non-Slavic nations under his domain just like Americans do now. *walks off proudly*

Ukraine

Bio: Is totally proud. He was never so proud of being Ukrainian until he lost Crimea. Just few dozen years ago his home for almost everything was Russia. He went there to do big biznis, to meet his future wife, to buy Russian products, to heat on Russian gas. But now this weird historical twist happened, Crimea was lost, he is soooooo proud now of being Ukrainian and sooo nationalistic that his main focus and wish now is to join left-liberal European Union. He likes to wear WW2 German uniforms, absolutely hates Russia now and is not sure if he is now even a Slav anymore because he has to be different from Russia (besides those German uniforms kinda look good to him). Bad thing is that all along Germans don’t wear those uniforms anymore and they are building a north gas pipeline stream while they are tapping him on the back.

Slovakia

Bio: Is very proud. Glorious Tatra mountains, his glorious history of Great Moravia or Janošik?! Hell yeah! Always holds a grudge on Czechs, their richer Slav neighbors. In public he acts ok with Czech, but when he is alone in the dark he looks at them and dreams beating them in economy. He had a regional highlight, it was during ww2 when Czech were annexed and he was on the map alone, independent and strong but it didn’t last long and ended up in CzechoSlovakia again.

Bosniaks

Bio: Is very proud. Likes Turkey so proudly due to religion, calls him brother, but he rather picks to live with Serbs and Croats, eat pork, drink alcohol and enjoy Balkans. Running a country with three entities he suddenly fell in shoes of Tito, he wants to be nationalistic in front of his own Bosniak people but in the same time has to be Tito so all three ethnicities don’t kill each-other again. He is on a breaking point and actually has no idea what to do with his life, hopes EU or Americans will come and solve them of their burden.

Belarus

Bio: There are some claims that there are Belorussians on internet but it turns out it is just a legend. None were spotted so far.

Montenegro

Bio: n/a sleeping and too lazy to argue or fight. Just wants to be left alone.

P.S. – None of these characters where real. It was just a satire on random mythical internet Slavs that pop up all the time in comments under every meme, article, youtube video or even the most hidden forums ever and tend to bless us with their wisdom and worldviews.

What do you think?

2477 points

Total votes: 217

Upvotes: 177

Upvotes percentage: 81.566820%

Downvotes: 40

Downvotes percentage: 18.433180%

Comments

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #340636

    NikeBG
    Participant
    @nikebg

    That was actually pretty good! More things could be added, but it’s good as it is as well.
    I still don’t understand why our guy is wearing a fes though (I know it’s supposed to be a kalpak, but it looks red and flat-topped, like a fes). Also the bare-chest wearing of that elek. But that image’s of our own making, not Slavorum’s, so the mystery shall probably remain for now. I’m sticking with an irony for the profanization of nationalism.

    #340923

    Kuzmančev Branimir
    Participant
    @kuzmancev_branimir

    Rod prastari svi smo, a Goti mi nismo,
    Slavenstva smo drevnoga čest.
    Ko drukčije kaže, kleveće i laže,
    Našu će osjetit’ pest.

    #340927

    Srdceleva
    Participant
    @srdceleva

    haha this was legit funny one of the best articles Ive read on slavorum so far.

    #340941

    Velka Opice
    Participant
    @velkaopice

    Is much for truths of writings, for my mind!

    #340947

    Kapitán Denis
    Participant
    @kapitan-denis

    Texczech welcome back! 😀

    #340950

    Velka Opice
    Participant
    @velkaopice

    Thanks, buddy!

    #340952

    Shaokang
    Participant
    @shaokang

    Read it, hillarious. Keep up the good work Wilk V.

    #456624

    RasGrundstrom
    Participant
    @rasgrundstrom

    da 😉

    #456963

    Marek Bôžik
    Participant
    @marek_bozik

    100% lies in images and text. We dont like weapons for example. But yes, we like dead bad people 🙂 😉
    Second: if someone talking about morality, but not lives so, then his words about democracy, morality, good…we have in ass.
    Third: peace, safety and luck for each from Earth is for us more, like everything. And in war, is our enemy bad people, not whole nation !!!

    #456979

    Kapitán Denis
    Participant
    @kapitan-denis

    @marek_bozik Have you read the title? It’s about nationalists and I know that nationalists who don’t like weapons and don’t hate whole nations are just a tiny minority. 😀

     

    “we have in ass”

    It sounds funny in English LOL.

    #456982

    Srdceleva
    Participant
    @srdceleva

    @kapitan-denis

    Good example of slov-english 😀

    #456987

    Mikhail Galamov
    Participant
    @mikhaila

    Novorossijskij nacionalist would be “we are not Ukrainians, never were, Kruszczew worst Premier, gutted Russia, etc, etc”.  There is no end to the Rossijstalgia in Lugansk and Donetsk, and for that I am a little grateful because it reminds me of the brotherhood.  Now, if one wants to talk to me about how that brotherhood became one of arms, then I will be a lot less supportive, except that Aleksandr Zacharchenko has been a good leader for the boys back home.

    #459403

    DDobromirov
    Participant
    @dvdvideo123

    @nikebg
    Haha, this is just hilarious.

    When looking at our guy’s bookshelf I just had to point out “Half-Life 2 Design” was there, which is funny, because I also make scriprs for HL2 :P, not to mention the bunnch of kompots and home made rakiya hanging around in his room.

    #459547

    NikeBG
    Participant
    @nikebg

    @dvdvideo123
    Aye, and the jar with the red drug (aka lyutenitsa), the shkembe chorba etc (not sure if that yellow thing in the glass is beer, limonada or some “medical treatment” from Gala). Quite nice. I don’t think any self-respecting Bulgarian would read that brown book though.

    #459579

    Dušan
    Participant
    @dusan

    @NikeBG Ajvar, škembići and beer? Guess I could live in Bulgaria just fine…

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Loading…

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Guy Visits Abandoned “Željava” Airbase, Tries 30 Years Old Yugoslav Army Canned Food That Was Left Behind

David W. Cerny/Reuters

Czechs dropped Their Everyday Clothing and Turned Into World of Warcraft Characters